My story. Shelby’s journey.

Here’s my story, I happy for you to share as part of making awareness x


Finding out I was pregnant again was amazing, I couldn’t have been happier, it was amazing to know I had a life growing inside of me. I took a pregnancy test and two lines appeared, so I took another and another, all showing two lines so I decided to run to Tesco and buy a Clearblue digital test. Yup, there it was ‘1-2 weeks pregnant’, but I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant so I decided to pay for a scan. Although I knew I wouldn’t be able to see much I wanted to be 100% sure and yup, there she was, a tiny dot on the screen.

I told work I was pregnant and asked them to keep the news between us until I was ready but that lasted less than a week. At 6/7weeks I became really ill and kept being sick. I ended up in hospital on a drip and having anti sickness injections when I was diagnosed with hyperemesis. I had a scan and sure enough she was there, her little heart beating away and moving around. Eventually I was sent home and back at work.

A few weeks later I went down hill again and sure enough, back in hospital, the anti sickness medication had stopped working. I was losing weight fast and had no energy at all. I took around 2 months off work and was in and out of hospital. I missed my 13 week scan so I had a private scan again which showed she was still growing and dancing away. My sickness was being managed by the tablets but I was still poorly. I went back to work and focused on my 7year old.

At around 17 weeks I had a 4d scan, it was amazing as I got to see my baby girl smiling, blowing kisses and covering her ears when her brother spoke. Her cheeky personality shone though and after that I felt her move more and more everyday, it was like she was dancing all the time.

At 18 weeks and 3 days I started getting pink discharge, I came out of the toilets at work and burst out crying so my colleagues drove me to the hospital, there they checked my baby’s heartbeat and said I had an infection but all seemed ok.

The next morning I was bleeding so I went to the doctors again. The Dr checked my baby’s heartbeat and assured my all was ok but she sent me back to the hospital to be seen as a precaution. They kept me in over night, checked my cervix and said all I was ok. They gave me another scan and there was my baby girl, strong heart beating, dancing and waving.

I was ok after that and for a few days I took it easy but at 19 weeks, on the Friday, I become really I’ll. I was being sick and feeling hot and cold (this was the last time I’d feel Rose move).

At 19 weeks and 1 day all seemed ok and it felt like normal day.

At 3am, at 19 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I was woken to what felt like I was weeing myself. I got up and water and blood poured from me. I was alone with my older son and I was really scared so I got back in to bed and went to sleep. I don’t know why I didn’t ring an ambulance at that point, I think I must have been in shock, maybe by going to sleep I thought I’d wake up and it would be a dream.

At 9am that morning I passed a massive blood clot the size of my fist so at this point I rang the hospital. I went to the out of hours GP who I didn’t feel were helping me so I sat and cried, then I rang NHS Direct who sent me ambulance. I sat in the Emergency Department waiting room for ages before going to the ward, it then took ages before a doctor saw me.

In the hospital they checked my cervix and told me I had an infection so administered antibiotics via an intravenous drip. Rose’s heartbeat was super fast and I was told that was due to the infection.

The next day (now 19weeks and 3 days pregnant) the hospital scanned me and confirmed what I already knew, Rose had no water around her, the placenta was over my cervix and her heart was slowing.

They took me back to the ward and I remember closing the curtains, clasping on the bed and screaming and crying. I could hear the older ladies saying things like ‘poor girl’. Obviously they knew what had happened as they’d heard me talking on phone before my scan.

It took what seemed like forever before a nurse come and sat with me and said ‘I am so sorry, the ultrasound lady has just told me’.

After a while I was moved into a private room a where a pregnant consultant came in and told me what was to happen next.

At 17:00 (5pm) I was moved down to the delivery suit and was given a tablet to start the labour.

A few hours later and it it was really hurting so I was given paracetamol but this didn’t help. I remember bursting in to tears and telling them the that pain made it all so real, I was getting distressed so they put me on a morphine drip for the pain.

Hours and hours passed.

13/10/2015 I got up to use the toilet when I felt something heavy, alone and scared I held between my legs and pulled the emergency cord. I remember shaking and crying and trying to hold her in me, I made it to the bed and the midwives came in. They helped me up onto the bed and told me to open my legs I was so scared bit I did as I was told. Then I was told it was Rose coming and I needed to push, so shaking with tears streaming down my face I pushed my tiny girl out.

I remember saying I was trying to keep her in me. They cut the cord and asked if I wanted to hold her but I couldn’t. I was too scared to see my sleeping baby and I wanted to stop crying before I held her, not that it would make a difference but I wouldn’t want my son see me that sad so I didn’t want my daughter to either, even though she was already gone.

The midwife hugged me and took Rose around the curtain while I tried to push out the placenta but it was stuck so the Midwife wrapped Rose up and I finally held my baby girl.

She was born asleep at 17:13. I held her and told her all the things I’d never get chance to.

A few hours later they came in with a surgeon and I had to put Rose down while the doctor tried to pull out the placenta, it took gas and air and a lot of pain but the doctor got it out even thought it was coming away in pieces.

After the doctor left I held my baby girl and told her how much I loved her.

I took 100s of photos and after while I had a shower while they took her away to do her hand, foot prints and organise a memory box for her.

After she come back I read to her and we spent the whole night together, my whole night just me and my sleeping beauty Rose…

The next afternoon I said goodbye and got ready to leave the hospital empty handed.
It was like a nightmare, I can just remember walking and walking it was all a blur.

Leaving Rose that day was just as hard as finding out she was gone.

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My DWA Journey- Warren Alan Morris

After My son passed away on the 15th June 2013 I spent many months up and down , looking after my partner who was severely ill after our little boy Oliver died , out of work and severely depressed and suffering from bad Anxiety attacks , I couldn’t find help from My Doctors apart from the offer of pills after some searching, on Facebook of all places on the 27/08/2014 I found Daddys With Angels.

After reading the group description I messaged the groups owner Paul Scully-Sloan and soon got a message back asking for some Details of My loss ( This was to stop trolls entering the group ) So I replied back to him and he was very welcoming and added me to the Dads Only Group

 

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I don`t quite know what I was expecting to find from a Facebook group , but I wasn’t expecting what I came across. The welcome and support I received was nothing sort of amazing. I was encouraged (Never Forced) to share my feelings and even post non related stuff on the groups. All this was part of learning to deal with something we call “New Normal” , Most importantly I was made to feel that everything that was going through My head was normal

 

Through several months I made some amazing friends through the group , One been a local man by the name of Daniel Deakin , We exchanged phone numbers and spoke on the phone quite a lot , Daniel was good at getting me to talk about my loss , over several months we met up several times and even our family’s met

 

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After several months of growing in strength and becoming more at ease I was asked if I would like a trial as admin on the 30/03/2015

 

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I accepted as I had always wanted to give back to those that helped me so much and made me a stronger person, over the next few months I kind of fell into he position of making graphics for members,putting there story’s into our blogs ,It brings a certain satisfaction making something for someone and them liking it. As a Admin it falls to us to like & comment on members posts, we do this to make sure they know people are there for them and they are not alone.

As time has gone on I have gotten more involved with Daddys With Angels , October 2015 saw me and Daniel Deakin Appear on BBC Radio Newcastle

 

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A audio Recording can be found here

Myself and Daniel Deakin were over the moon with been invited on the radio, It gave us both the chance to tell our story’s and the story of Daddys With Angels and the amazing support it provides. We got excellent feedback from members for the show and also from the BBC radio presenter. It felt good to be raising more awareness for us Dads that get left by the side.

During My time as a admin I have learned some very valuable things , I am still learning and don’t always get it right , But with the guidance of Paul Scully-Sloan and the other admins I am always been taught new things, And this dose not just extend to the admins Paul has and does work closely with members to ensure they get the extra help if needed. Many of the Admin do alot of one on one work with members also , This ensure that any members who appear to be having a hard time are offered help and often pointed in the direction of external help should it be required.

I am hoping in the future to study for a bereavement counselling qualification in the hope that I can better help our members , I will continue to work my hardest for Daddys With Angels and provide the best support possible based on my experience.

I would like to take the time out to mention a few people who have helped me grow into a stronger person:-

Oliver Morris ( My Angel Son)
Nicole Roberts  ( My Partner)

Paul Scully-Sloan (DWA Owner)
Daniel Deakin & the rest of the Admin Team

Lou Rimmer ( https://www.facebook.com/nationaldayofrememberance/?fref=ts )

And All Angel parents for there continued strength

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How it feels to raise a child with severe disabilities. Chris Butcher.

On behalf of Chris Butcher
My son Carsen Stephen Patrick Butcher was born on November/11/2011.

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During pregnancy everything was going great until we had an ultrasound and we could see clear deformities were evident. When we mentioned this to the doctor and midwives both said that everything was fine and not to worry. They said, “you’re too young to have a special needs child”. As if your age can play a role in preventing disabilities.

We requested more ultrasounds and were told that we would have to pay. At the time we could not afford what it was going to cost to travel to Port Perry to get the ultrasound we wanted so we decided to wait until he was born and hope for the best.
When the big day came we went to the hospital in a cab, upon arrival we were admitted to the maternity ward where we met nurses and doctors. At this point we just waited in a room for the midwives to arrive. When they got there they helped Carsen’s mom through her contractions and provided support. The midwives were a great idea, however, it seemed like the nurses and midwives weren’t really sure who was doing what. It felt like they were stepping on each other’s feet. There was no real plan set in place. Hectic is the only word I can find to describe it.
When the time came to deliver Carsen, everything became an emergency and a big rush. They had to break his mom’s water and immediately rushed her for an emergency caesarean section. I was left in the room with very little information on what was going on with my son.

When I finally was informed I was told they took her for the emergency cesarean section because Carsen had swallowed meconium and amniotic fluid due to fetal distress causing them to need to get him out immediately to prevent aspiration, as I waited in the room for around an hour, A doctor walked past the room I was in with a baby in his arms he stopped right outside and stated to a nurse that who was behind him “this baby has breathing problems” and continued down the hall.

A nurse finally came in and told me we had a baby boy but he wasn’t too healthy. She explained that it looked like he has deformities with his hands and feet also that he was having a hard time breathing so they were going to use a endotracheal tube to suction meconium from below the vocal cords, where I was told I would be able to look in on him through a glass window. That was the first time I saw my son.
It was hard to see him like that. He was in an incubator with a number of tubes in his mouth and so many wires attached to him for heart, pulse, and brain monitoring, I was told I could not hold him, His mom was still in recovery, That Carsen was being sent to sick kids within the hour and that we would need to find a way there.

I called my mentor Nicole and told her that Carsen was going to Sick Kids and we needed to find a way to be with him and she came almost instantly to provide support and help out with transportation.

When we got to Toronto and arrived at the hospital we had to talk to security and were told Carsen was on the 7th floor in room 7B with 5 other children. I was finally able to hold him for the first time. He was however still attached to many monitors and this made it very difficult to maneuver him; so holding him wasn’t the easiest thing to do.

Over the next month we met so many doctors. Almost every day there was someone new with more confusing information. We were told early on that he had numerous problems from neurological to physical disabilities and were informed that there were many tests and x-rays that needed to be done, and that the brain disability he has is very rare. All his tests would need to be sent to the United States for concrete answers and results would be timely.

Carsen’s metabolic doctor sat me down and tried to explain a very confusing diagnosis with me, he told me that the brain disability was called “Bi-lateral Polymicrogyria” (PMG) and that it affects the mutation of cells in your genes. Polymicrogyria literally translates to many small ridges in the brain, the ridges and folds on the brain were too small and too close together, still very confused the Doctor explained it in a way that made a lot of sense to me. He said that if you think of chromosomes as 46 bookshelves and all of your millions of genes as the books that are on those shelves and defective genes are like books with pages ripped out. Everybody in the world has a few defective genes (a book with ripped pages) but naturally you will have a copy of that book (gene) so you won’t use the book with pages ripped out, instead you would use the copy. But in Carsen’s situation affecting multiple genes both his copies are defective causing his brain to need to use those genes. He basically doesn’t have a copy with all the pages there. I would give the names of these genes but there are so many affected and they have very large names.
Over that month at Sick Kids the doctors were very supportive of us and helped with a lot of support mentally and physically, giving us various names of doctors and programs that may help. Carsens symptoms are Polymicrogyria, Microcephaly, a hernia on his abdomen, underdeveloped optic nerves, Bilateral finger and wrist contractures hip dysplasia, trachealmalysia, Hypertonia, rocker bottom foot (like club foot), hypoplasia, and 2 small holes in his heart. These are all symptoms of an unknown diagnosis, however the doctors are testing for Cerebro-opticus-facial-skeleton syndrome (COFS), tests can only be done in Europe and this is a fatal diagnosis and children who have this are usually diagnosed at birth and don’t usually live past the age of 5. Some of these symptoms have not yet been fixed, may not be able to be fixed, or will hopefully fix or improve in time. Some things that are common with children with COFS are the inability to control muscles, involuntary eye movements, and mental retardation. Genetics doctors believe that he may be taking seizures so he will be seeing a neurologist to have an EEG (Electroencephalogram). He has already had surgery and may still yet need multiple more surgeries.

For the first 6 to 8 months he had a cast on his right leg and one on the left for the last of the 8 months. He was in a wheaton-pavlic harness that would keep his legs bent by pulling his knees towards his chest holding his hips in their socket, now he has his casts off and is in an AFO arm and foot orthotic that stays on 24 hours a day. However, I think he might need to be in casts again.

Carsen is now living at home with me and has multiple community resources that provide support for Carsen and his disability. Some of the supports he has are 5 counties physiotherapy, Canadian National Institution for the Blind, Community Living, Genetics team, Metabolic Specialist, Ophthalmology, Orthopedics, Neurology and a Paediatrician for regular check-ups.
Having a special needs child has really opened my eyes to the reality of life. I always thought that I was ready to be a father but nobody can be ready for this experience. There’s no good way to prepare for it other than to just face it head on and do the best you can for your child however short the doctors say your child’s life may be. You just keep on trying and loving them with every piece of your heart. They’re just like any other baby just with more needs.

Some of the main challenges of raising Carsen especially on my own is his shortened life expectancy. I’m always terrified that it’s going to come too soon. I’m not ready to lose him. Emotionally I would break if I lost him; he is now 14 months old and is still like a newborn infant. He cannot hold his head up, sit, walk, roll over or do anything a normal baby at his age does. He mostly just sits and stares. I interact with him as much as possible and we introduce him to new things like feelings and sound and have gained little progress, but it doesn’t matter how little the progress, it is improvement and that’s all that counts. Unconditional love and massive amounts of patience have proved to be some of the greatest needs in our situation.
A few other smaller problems that do play a big role in making it hard to care for a special needs child are the fact that he can’t do anything on his own. Making bathing feeding and carrying him everywhere he needs to go very difficult. He is a Daddies boy so every time I leave him he gets very fussy, I get told by everybody that he has attachment issues with me making babysitters hard to find even though I don’t enjoy leaving him with babysitters. I feel that I have problems trusting people with him, that’s not just babysitters but professionals, family and friends too, but I am learning to let go, not too much though because there has to be one adult in his life that, no matter what will never give up on him.
Having a baby with special needs has changed my life completely. In both small and large ways I feel like a better person for doing the things I have done to support Carsen. As scary as it is to go through it has made me stronger as a person and I have learned many things. I would not know what it is like to have a normal child. I feel like it’s wrong to say that, if I had the ability to go back in time and change his medical problems I wouldn’t because I love my son the way he is, but I would change his disability so he could be a normal baby, and have a normal life.

Yet in my eyes he is a normal baby, and he is my world and I will never let him go. Being his father makes me feel like a hero.

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My story. Janice Giles.

I haven’t been a part of this group long.but since tomorrow is a special date that starts off my story i think I’m going to share today.

9 years ago tomorrow (2-9-07) I started dating my soulmate when i was just 14 years old. I am so lucky to have found him so early in life. We have had our ups and downs but since day one we have always been inseparable.

We moved in together straight out of high school in 2010. We had ended up in a bad financial situation in 2012 but we did everything we could to be able to be together on our own.

In 2014 we were blessed with the best news of our lives-we were having a baby-we were so excited-anxious! We were on top of the world together! I found out I was pregnant early I was only 4 weeks along when I found out.

I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks we were in love. Danny and I were working so hard trying to make sure everything was perfect for when our baby arrived.

When I was about 4 months pregnant we had a huge scare. I woke up in the middle of the night and i was bleeding. We rushed to the hospital. We were so afraid to lose our baby.

After ultrasounds and tests and about 8 hours at the hospital we were told that I had a tear in my placenta and that I could either go full term, of I could lose my baby. It was a 50-50 chance.

I was put out of work and on disability for 2 months until I stopped bleeding. I started seeing a high risk doctor every two weeks. Danny never missed an appointment. In July we found out we were having a girl, we were do delighted.

My family and friends put together two baby showers for her. She had everything. Everyone was so happy.

We moved from a 1 room apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We saved up and got a safer car and we were so ready for our little princess.

When deciding on her name we discussed that we wanted it to have a lot of meaning,so we decided on Elizabeth after my grandmother and Jay after my father.

I was due the day before Danny’s birthday 11-2-2014. She was born 11-5-2014. I had to be induced. I was in labor for over 24 hours.  I did 5 hours of pushing, but ended up having her cesarean.  She was born at 8:34pm, 9lbs 9oz 22 inches long.

Boy oh boy was she beautiful. When she was born everyone said she looked just like me. She had long beautiful eye lashes just like her daddy, that I had wished for the entire time i was pregnant! She was healthy and we were so grateful.

We stayed in the hospital for three days, and then we were all home together.

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Everything was perfect. When Elizabeth was about 2 months old she started to break out into some kind of rash and we thought maybe it was baby eczema ( i have psoriasis) But when we took her they said it looked like baby acne and the best way to handle that is to not do anything.

It seemed to get worse so we looked into taking her a dermatologist and an allergist. She was given creams and shampoos from the dermatologists. They seemed to help some but it still seemed to be pretty severe. We took her to the allergist and they suggested having her have some blood work done to see if she had any allergies.

When her blood work came back she had so many food allergies. The only things she could eat were her special formula made up of corn and amino acids, because she was allergic to soy and milk. She had to eat organic rice cereal without any wheat or soy,   apples and carrots – that was it.

She was also allergic to dogs, and so many more foods. We worked really hard with her allergies and skin condition to where she started to do so much better. She wasn’t so itchy all the time. She was doing better.

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She was such a trooper going through all of that but she was still always so happy. She was loved by so many and she loved so many things. She loved music, Metallica especially. She was really into Elmo.and Scooby Doo. She loved to go to the beach. She always liked to play in the bath. And she loved her rubber duckies! You would always find her with one of those in here mouth! She we just perfect.

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One day I had got done work and called Danny to make sure he was awake to come pick me up. He was late but it wasn’t unusual. He was normally late to pick me up. When he answered he said he had over slept, he had to get Elizabeth ready and they would be there in 15 mins.

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We called her “Little” by the way that was her nickname. I went outside and waited,and waited.  I started to feel uneasy, like something was wrong. I started to have bad thoughts so I ran inside to call him. When he answered the phone he was hysterical. He told me that she had been unresponsive. He called 911. He did CPR until they got there, and that he was on the way to the hospital. His mom was coming to get me. I was in shock. My head was spinning. I was on the way to the hospital, freaking out, so afraid so worried. I just wanted my baby.

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Danny called me as soon as I was pulling in. I asked if she was ok and he said I’ll just talk to you when you get here, and i knew. I could barely breathe. I couldn’t believe this was happening! I pulled up and I ran inside. I yelled “Is my daughter here!?”

They took me by the hand and brought me into a private room where Danny was. This is where I saw the strongest man I’ve ever known broken.

They told me she was gone. And i lost it. We both did. His mother and his two younger brothers were at the hospital with us.

We all went back to see her together. They wouldn’t really let us touch her, so I kissed and talked  to her.

My daughter was 11 months and 16 days old when she passed away 10-21-2015.

Our family will never be the same.

We loved her so much!

I miss my little every single day and it hurts so bad!

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My story. Kym Lack.

Right here goes…
Firstly thank you for letting me join. This is my story of my precious daughter Amy-Lynn Molly Lack stillborn on 04/05/08.

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I previously had 3 beautiful children Sophie-Marie Courtney-May Lewis.

I fell pregnant again in 2007. All went really well. I’d had complications with pregnancies before. All born early. With my son Lewis I lost my waters at 29 weeks. But he held out to 36 weeks bless him.

I suffer from 2 blood disorders to. They cause me to have blood clots. I wasn’t on anything previously and had a pretty normal pregnancy c with my daughter up until 34 weeks. She wasn’t moving as much. I had called my midwife team and they didn’t seem concerned. I had an appointment the following week and they were happy to wait til then to see me.

They said babies don’t move too much at the end as there isn’t a great deal of space. I hadn’t had a baby there before so didn’t quite know how there system worked so I held off and waited.

Over the weekend though she just stopped moving. I knew there was something wrong when she hadn’t woken me up in the night as usual. I didn’t call the midwife though. I took myself straight to the hospital. The hospital even said it would all be fine at first.

Then they R when there was no heartbeat. Amy-Lynn was born at 35 weeks and 4 days. She weighed a tiny 4lb 5 Oz. Sadly a blood clot had got into the placenta and had stopped it from working.

Since then I have been put on blood thinners and I’ve had 2 beautiful rainbows. Riley and Eleanor-rose. Eleanor-Rose being the latest at only 7 months old.

All my children will know about their sister and my older ones will never forget.

She has been sadly missed since she was born.

Thank you for letting me join and thank you for letting me share. Xx

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How to watermark you precious photos

As we know there are some ‘not very nice’ people on social media who take Angels pics. they pretend they are their own, some ask for money or other stuff they have no right to do. In response to this Daddys with Angels have put together a short video on how to watermark your Angels pics. Yes it can be tedious to do, but the likelihood of your pics being misused is reduced. There is mention of another video (privacy setting) which we are still working on and will share that as soon as it is done.. Please feel free to share it, it may help stop other people’s pics being misused.

https://youtu.be/Xvb-HQzRYV4

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Our Story: Atcher our Angel by Shannon Combs

 

Our Story: Atcher our Angel

Paul Rodman Combs & I have been married for 15 years. When we married he took on the responsibility of helping to raise my 2 little girls Bailey & Ellen, ages 3 & 11 months when we got together. 4 years later we were blessed with a baby girl together, Lilly. We suffered from unexplained secondary infertility. We agreed that if we hadn’t gotten pregnant by the time Lilly was 10 we would move toward sterilization to stop the heartache of not being pregnant each month. I delivered our baby boy, Evan, 5 days before Lilly turned 10!

We were shocked 15 months later to see those 2 pink lines. Another baby, so soon? What a blessing!

We found out we were again having a boy & were so happy Evan would have a brother close in age to grow up with. And they would get to share a birthday most likely. I was scheduled to be induced on Evan’s 2nd birthday. The girls were so excited & went to several ultrasounds with me & loved to help decorate his room. We had everything set. He would be Atcher Bane Combs. Atcher is my maiden name & Paul thought it would be a lovely way to honor my family since girls dont pass on their last names usually. Bane for the Batman villain. It was a name we had considered for a while without telling anyone & Ellen pointed out he looked like the Bane character in one of his ultrasounds. We then knew it was perfect for him.

My pregnancy went by quickly with no concerns. On December 23rd 2014 my father whom lived with us passed away unexpectedly. Not only had I lost my father but the dream of him being there for this baby. He lived too far away to see the others grow. We picked up the pieces & focused on rearranging the house to welcome home our little one. We decorated his room in Justice League. Everything was set for his April 2nd arrival.

March 22nd, my brothers birthday: I had been feeling a little off & had some pain in my left side the few days before. The pain became too intense & we decided it was best to just go in. I had called my OB days prior about the pain & decreased movement only to be told it was to be expected since I was full-term & it was my 5th. I knew I couldn’t be brushed off again with the pain I was in. We arrived at the hospital around 8pm.

The nurse had trouble locating Atcher on the monitor but no worries. My children were notorious for facing the wrong way to be born & that makes them hard to pick up on the monitor. Ultrasound came & as she scanned she turned the screen away from Pauls view. When finished Paul asked if everything was ok. Her response, “I only take the pictures. The radiologist has to look at everything.” Worry sits in. The nurse returns & says we are being admitted, bloodwork has been ordered, my OB will be there soon to talk & we were moving to a delivery room. Whispers outside our curtain. More worry. We are moved to a delivery room. The same room we delivered Evan in. The lady comes to take blood & as she leaves says, “You guys will be in my prayers.” Unusual but we tried to push those thoughts away. We both knew, I think, but were too afraid of the answer to ask THE question.

10pm my OB arrives: As she enters I can see in her face what has happened. I look at her & say “We know something is wrong. Please tell us.” She busts into tears, sits on my bed & says, “Paul & Shannon, I’m so sorry. There is no cardiac activity. I had them check the ultrasound twice.” What? That can’t be we felt him rolling around, we heard him scratching around on the monitor. All that was hopeful thinking. Our baby was dead. Paul dropped to his knees in agony. All I could do was weep & think of the kids. They offered us a moment to process things. We declined & asked to start induction. I was already 4cm & have a history of fast deliveries so we didn’t want to risk delivering him at home or in the car.

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I called my sister & mom. All I could say was come to the hospital. I knew my sister would think I was joking because we kidded I would have him on the 23rd because her birthday is the 24th. She knew something was wrong. She asked if everything was ok. I said “No” She hung up & was there in 20 minutes. My mom asked what was wrong, all theat cam out was, “He’s dead.” The call dropped. Paul called his mom to go to the house to sit with our children. He left to go tell them the news in person. He had to look our precious children in their beautiful faces & tell them their brother wasn’t coming home. EVER. No one should ever have to do that. Our oldest came to the hospital to be there for the birth.

8am March 23, 2015 Atcher Bane Combs came into our arms, still, silent, beautiful.

He was perfect. We will never know why he died. Everything came back normal. There was a clot in his cord & on the placenta but they said there was no way of knowing if that happened before or after he passed.

 

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He is buried in the cemetery a few blocks from our home. They buried him in the wrong spot & wanted to move him weeks later. We had bought 3 lots & he was to be in #3 but they put him in #2. So we decided he wasnt to be disturbed & now we will go on either side of him. Maybe it was supposed to be that way anyway.

It’s hard to grieve & care for 4 older children but together we get through things day by day. Our children are 19, 17, 12, 2 & forever newborn.

Although this is by far the hardest thing in life, we would do it again if it was the only way to be his parents.

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