Here’s my story, I happy for you to share as part of making awareness x
Finding out I was pregnant again was amazing, I couldn’t have been happier, it was amazing to know I had a life growing inside of me. I took a pregnancy test and two lines appeared, so I took another and another, all showing two lines so I decided to run to Tesco and buy a Clearblue digital test. Yup, there it was ‘1-2 weeks pregnant’, but I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant so I decided to pay for a scan. Although I knew I wouldn’t be able to see much I wanted to be 100% sure and yup, there she was, a tiny dot on the screen.
I told work I was pregnant and asked them to keep the news between us until I was ready but that lasted less than a week. At 6/7weeks I became really ill and kept being sick. I ended up in hospital on a drip and having anti sickness injections when I was diagnosed with hyperemesis. I had a scan and sure enough she was there, her little heart beating away and moving around. Eventually I was sent home and back at work.
A few weeks later I went down hill again and sure enough, back in hospital, the anti sickness medication had stopped working. I was losing weight fast and had no energy at all. I took around 2 months off work and was in and out of hospital. I missed my 13 week scan so I had a private scan again which showed she was still growing and dancing away. My sickness was being managed by the tablets but I was still poorly. I went back to work and focused on my 7year old.
At around 17 weeks I had a 4d scan, it was amazing as I got to see my baby girl smiling, blowing kisses and covering her ears when her brother spoke. Her cheeky personality shone though and after that I felt her move more and more everyday, it was like she was dancing all the time.
At 18 weeks and 3 days I started getting pink discharge, I came out of the toilets at work and burst out crying so my colleagues drove me to the hospital, there they checked my baby’s heartbeat and said I had an infection but all seemed ok.
The next morning I was bleeding so I went to the doctors again. The Dr checked my baby’s heartbeat and assured my all was ok but she sent me back to the hospital to be seen as a precaution. They kept me in over night, checked my cervix and said all I was ok. They gave me another scan and there was my baby girl, strong heart beating, dancing and waving.
I was ok after that and for a few days I took it easy but at 19 weeks, on the Friday, I become really I’ll. I was being sick and feeling hot and cold (this was the last time I’d feel Rose move).
At 19 weeks and 1 day all seemed ok and it felt like normal day.
At 3am, at 19 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I was woken to what felt like I was weeing myself. I got up and water and blood poured from me. I was alone with my older son and I was really scared so I got back in to bed and went to sleep. I don’t know why I didn’t ring an ambulance at that point, I think I must have been in shock, maybe by going to sleep I thought I’d wake up and it would be a dream.
At 9am that morning I passed a massive blood clot the size of my fist so at this point I rang the hospital. I went to the out of hours GP who I didn’t feel were helping me so I sat and cried, then I rang NHS Direct who sent me ambulance. I sat in the Emergency Department waiting room for ages before going to the ward, it then took ages before a doctor saw me.
In the hospital they checked my cervix and told me I had an infection so administered antibiotics via an intravenous drip. Rose’s heartbeat was super fast and I was told that was due to the infection.
The next day (now 19weeks and 3 days pregnant) the hospital scanned me and confirmed what I already knew, Rose had no water around her, the placenta was over my cervix and her heart was slowing.
They took me back to the ward and I remember closing the curtains, clasping on the bed and screaming and crying. I could hear the older ladies saying things like ‘poor girl’. Obviously they knew what had happened as they’d heard me talking on phone before my scan.
It took what seemed like forever before a nurse come and sat with me and said ‘I am so sorry, the ultrasound lady has just told me’.
After a while I was moved into a private room a where a pregnant consultant came in and told me what was to happen next.
At 17:00 (5pm) I was moved down to the delivery suit and was given a tablet to start the labour.
A few hours later and it it was really hurting so I was given paracetamol but this didn’t help. I remember bursting in to tears and telling them the that pain made it all so real, I was getting distressed so they put me on a morphine drip for the pain.
Hours and hours passed.
13/10/2015 I got up to use the toilet when I felt something heavy, alone and scared I held between my legs and pulled the emergency cord. I remember shaking and crying and trying to hold her in me, I made it to the bed and the midwives came in. They helped me up onto the bed and told me to open my legs I was so scared bit I did as I was told. Then I was told it was Rose coming and I needed to push, so shaking with tears streaming down my face I pushed my tiny girl out.
I remember saying I was trying to keep her in me. They cut the cord and asked if I wanted to hold her but I couldn’t. I was too scared to see my sleeping baby and I wanted to stop crying before I held her, not that it would make a difference but I wouldn’t want my son see me that sad so I didn’t want my daughter to either, even though she was already gone.
The midwife hugged me and took Rose around the curtain while I tried to push out the placenta but it was stuck so the Midwife wrapped Rose up and I finally held my baby girl.
She was born asleep at 17:13. I held her and told her all the things I’d never get chance to.
A few hours later they came in with a surgeon and I had to put Rose down while the doctor tried to pull out the placenta, it took gas and air and a lot of pain but the doctor got it out even thought it was coming away in pieces.
After the doctor left I held my baby girl and told her how much I loved her.
I took 100s of photos and after while I had a shower while they took her away to do her hand, foot prints and organise a memory box for her.
After she come back I read to her and we spent the whole night together, my whole night just me and my sleeping beauty Rose…
The next afternoon I said goodbye and got ready to leave the hospital empty handed.
It was like a nightmare, I can just remember walking and walking it was all a blur.
Leaving Rose that day was just as hard as finding out she was gone.