A Rainbow Road

 

Now I’ll agree many of you reading this may not have lost a child or ever heard of the term ‘rainbow baby’ and before my loss I’m ashamed to admit that I’d never heard the term either so I’ll explain it, losing a child is the most painful thing imaginable……. no I’ll rephrase that as unless you’ve lost a child you can never ‘imagine’ this pain it’s just unimaginable so just imagine losing a child and you’ll feel just a fraction of the pain if you want to try and understand it but you’ll never fully understand it because you’d have to go through it. So losing a child is horrifying it’s one big violent storm that destroys everything in its path that it touches like a tornado if it were, and as the old saying goes “after every storm comes a rainbow” so simply put a rainbow baby is a child born after a loss.

I’m writing this to give an inside to thinking/having a rainbow baby as I think many don’t know or understand the difficulties of such a task and think it’s just a case of have another baby and everything is jolly. When in actual fact it’s the opposite.

Many who know me or my wife will know we lost our beautiful baby Rosie Mai who was born sleeping 26/08/14 and as I’ve stated the pain was unimaginable and our lives would never be the same again, a storm so big it makes Jupiter’s Great red spot seem like a mere light breeze and even that is understating it, but together we walked that storm with sorrow and heartache and barely weathering it but with help from family and friends( which at this point you now find out who your real one are). Now I’d never say we’re out of the storm nor do I ever think we will be and not a second goes by that a memory of our beautiful Rosie Mai or that day hits me like a lightening bolt from that storm and I believe it will continue to do so until they lay me in the ground next to her, I love you Rosie Mai you’re daddy’s little angel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The worst thing you could say to parents who have lost is “you can always have another” like it’s some broken TV that you’ll just bin and go and buy yourself a new one! And for those that think that just look at the children you’re blessed with now pick one of them you could live without…. having another child is in no way replacing a child lost nor does it ever come close to filling the void left but that doesn’t stop your mind telling you that’s what you’re doing, yes that’s guilt talking and he’s a nasty bastard and he’s one of the reasons the decision to have a rainbow is so difficult and hard because Mr guilt likes to tell you at every possible opportunity that you are betraying the child you’ve lost, so to anyone who thinks this is an easy decision you’re wrong and a moron it’s something that’s never taken lightly!

That’s the ‘easy’ part dealt with now comes the anxious waiting month after month crossing everything that can possibly be crossed in a hope that you’ll miss a period only to be heartbroken when you see the first sight of blood, month after month it goes on “is there something wrong with me” “did they damage something in my wife’s womb when getting my angel out” every negative thought you could conceive? you think it, so you just follow every tips and hints you find to help you conceive to no avail and to say the pregnancy test companies made a nice sum off us is putting it mildly.

Took over a year….. yes before we see the positive line it was well over a year of trying, now some believe along with myself that this is the minds way of protecting itself by letting you grieve. Once that positive line came through you’d think we’d be happy? Ecstatic? No! Try scared and petrified and guilt ridden and that’s the start of the nightmare 7 months were only people who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths can possibly relate because every waking second is worry and it’s constant! Is the baby moving, is the Baby’s heart beating and every time you don’t feel them or every time you can’t find their heart it’s a pain and fear only second to losing a child by comparison and then it’s a mad dash loading the car up and flooring it to the hospital! My wife will probably agree but I didn’t enjoy any period in the pregnancy, you want to enjoy it and your mind tells you that you should enjoy it but you don’t because the constant worry just eats at you and it intensifies the closer you get to the end or the point you lost your child and it’s horrible. Now add that worry in a jar then throw a pinch of guilt in, yes its Mr guilt! How dare you have another baby! How dare you try and enjoy another pregnancy! You just forgotten about Rosie Mai now have you? She meant nothing to you? You clearly don’t care about her and I bet she’s looking down sad. All not true of course because I’ll always love my angel I’ll never forget her and our rainbow is not a replacement and should my angel be looking down she’d know that but that’s what Mr guilt does to you and that mixed with the constant worry makes the pregnancy journey not a nice one at all.

D day and afterwards, well you’ve made it and your heart hasn’t given out to the stress and it’s the day of your rainbows birth but where’s the excitement? Where’s the joy? God knows but I’ve found fear pretty easy because not only do you now fear your rainbow will be born sleeping you have the added chance you could lose your wife also which both ideas paralyses you with fear “what if I lose one, or both! How would I live or how could I live” thankfully I never had to answer them questions and after walking the hospital floor into a grand canyon my wife give birth to Emily Rose 29/06/16 and what a relief? You mean what relief because watching your rainbow rushed off to intensive care unit without a chance to even see her properly brings anything but relief but she’s here and my wife’s fine and thankfully my rainbow got stronger and although a week of worry and fear and long traveling to see her she was allowed home.

Now I set out with this journal because I’ve seen to many people think having a rainbow is easy and it’s just “like having another child” and people seem to think it’s all sunshine and butterfly’s as you stroll through the park but I can tell you it’s not and yes other rainbow pregnancies will differ to mine but I’ll bet you all my worldly goods they’ll experience it the same! But don’t ever mix my words because I love my rainbow the same as my angel and I’m really happy she’s here and safe and I don’t regret her one bit she will always have her sister in her and guarding her I know it but even though she’s here you still get Mr guilt showing his face and a sadness reminding you what you could have had before and all the things you’ve missed out on with your angel would have done but you wouldn’t change your rainbow for the world but it will always be bittersweet.

So to anyone who thinks having a rainbow is just another case of “having another one” or the fact that it’s an easy task and it fills the hole and you’re suddenly happy then in the politest way possible you’re wrong! You will always miss your angel, you will always remember your angel and if anything your rainbow serves to remind you more of your angel because for there to be a rainbow you must first weather the storm.

Dave Tarran

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About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or www.daddyswithangels.org/. Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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