My journey. Chlow R.

I just wanted to share my story..

I lost my daughter Sadie-Belle Ruston-Castle to stillbirth on the 21/03/15.
I had a relatively healthy pregnancy with my baby. I gave up smoking. I didn’t drink. I exercised. I ate my 5 a day.
I have polycystic kidney disease, so I was given two more scans then my basic dating scans.
I planned, I wondered, I dreamed.
I thought everything would be ok.


I was two days away from my due date, when I doubled over in pain. I lost my vision and I couldn’t breathe.
My partner called 111, because Sadie-Belle was my first born, I didn’t know any different, I just thought it might be labour starting.

111 called for an ambulance to be sent to us.
I remember not being able to stand with the pain.

The ambulance drove me to the hospital I had my antenatal care in, 45 minutes away rather than taking me to the the hospital that was 5 minutes away.
The ambulance staff did not check on my daughters well being during this drive whatsoever.

I remember feeling every bump we went over.
The pain didn’t start and stop, it was continuous, I was writhing in agony.

After what seemed like hours we arrived at the hospital.
Doctors fumbled around trying to find my little girls heartbeat.. They found nothing.
They turned the screen round to me.
Once flashing red and blue, now black and still.

I didn’t believe it. I didn’t cry. I simply said “you’re joking?”
They weren’t joking.

I had my waters broken by a doctor and I was induced.
It took me 12 hours to meet my precious child.
She was born at 2.09 pm.
No cry, no movement, just still.

I was rushed into theatre due to loss of blood and complications.
When I awoke I remember calling out for my daughter, crying because I just wanted to see her.

When I held her, that’s when the tears came. That’s when my life turned upside down. That’s when I believed them.

I have never seen a sight so beautiful.
Dark brown curly hair and a little button nose.
Her coming home outfit was a ladybird outfit, and instead that became her funeral outfit.

I remember dressing her and feeling an overwhelming deep rooted gut wrenching heart hurting sadness.
The word sadness will never do justice for that moment.

Depression came quick and strong.

Doctors say she died from fetal thrombotic vasculopathy.
I’ve done my own research into it, and it could of been picked up from the 20 week dating scan.

Instead of watching our little girl grow, we sat and cried telling her our dreams for her and how much she would be missed.

The saddest moment after all of this was watching the curtains draw around her sweet frilly pink and white coffin on her funeral date.
I wanted to rip them away and run away with her.
Since that day I have thought about trying to arrange her ashes back together to see if I could piece her together.

To some people, I might sound crazy.
But this is my grief, this is my journey, and no one can judge me upon this.
I am sadly 1:4.
I am the woman that lost her child due to pregnancy and infant loss.
But I will not be a percentage, my child’s life will be acknowledged.

I wanted to get this out to make people understand, my child’s life is, was and forever will be valued.
I will not be silent because it makes you comfortable.
I will not stop until people know my story.
Until my last breath, I will carry on my daughters memory.

Getting my story of my loss with my daughter out and shared means raising awareness to families that you are not alone.
People are going through what you are going through, and support is available.
I am carrying on my child’s memory, more people need to feel comfortable to do so with doing the same. It’s 2015, this taboo subject needs to be broken.

Everything I do, I do it for you Sadie-Belle,

Mummy and daddy love you so much our little lady bird xxxxxxxxxxxx


About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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