My Angel Riley & Rainbow Millie

Your Journey – were do I start?.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my little prince Riley, pulling a sick day off work so I could go and buy pregnancy test. Doing the test it showed up straight away that I was pregnant.

I rang my partner whilst he was at work and told him. He was so excited, like he won the lottery.

Then it all started, feeling really poorly, in and out of hospital.  With being ill all the time I got a water infection that ended in a kidney infection. With me staying in hospital it seemed to be my second home whilst I was pregnant. The hospital knew there was going to be complications as I have a double womb, so it wasn’t easy.

The day my waters broke I went to the hospital to be told I wasn’t allowed home and had to stay in as my waters had gone. They wanted to try and get Riley to stay put for 2 weeks but my body went into natural labour.

I kept telling the hospital I was in labour but they didn’t listen they just offered me sleeping tablets and painkillers. It came to 10pm and the midwives were doing switch over.  Then it got to 11 and I just knew something was not right. I kicked off to get put on the monitor to see if I was in labor.  I was only on it for 3 minutes when they noticed that I was in labor and his little heart rate was dropping.

All I remember is my midwife saying ring your partner as your little man will be making an appearance tonight.  I was rushed down on my bed with all my stuff thrown on top to get to the delivery suite.   It was so scary because I was in Whiston hospital and my partner Dean was in Runcorn so he had to get there as quick as possible.

Riley

I was put straight on the monitor in the delivery ward and got checked over.  All I could see was the machine flashing red next to me, not knowing what was going on.  The next minute I was being told I had to go for a emergency section.  

They rushed me off and got me all ready. My partner was not here yet but it was the most rushed thing ever . As they started my partner turned up and they got him ready and by my side as quick as possible.  As I was lying there it felt like it had been hours everyone was rushing around everywhere.

I could hear quiet talking but not good enough to hear them. All of a sudden I was starting to feel uncomfortable,  had pain in my stomach and a lot of movement.  They knew the drugs were starting the wear off and that they needed to put me to sleep. They had to advise me I was going to sleep and Dean had to leave the room. S I gave him a kiss and off I went to sleep.

My poor man was put back in a room to wait there on his own not knowing what was going on. The next minute they all came rushing out with Riley attached to machines. A midwife called Jean came and spoke to Dean. The first thing that came out of his mouth was asking if I  was ok. They advised him that I they were  just stitching me up, and getting ready to wake me

 Riley was really really poorly and his little heart had been through so much. They were trying everything they could and took Dean to be with Riley. Then I started to wake up feeling all cold and in a lot of pain. They were talking to me trying to get me to wake up they started telling me how poorly our little man was, and that we needed to be with him.

They wheeled me around on my bed they pushed me through a set of double door. All I could see was doctors rushing around our tiny little bundle. He weighed 4lbs 5ozs and looked so perfect.

There were tubes everywhere and flashing machines.

A nurse came over to me and advised that my c section was quiet bad and I would be in pain so they needed to give me morphine. At the point I did not want it but because they knew I needed it.  They had to ask Dean who said to give me it. She put the needle in my leg. All I  was looking at was our tiny princes’s little body fighting so hard .

They gave him adrenaline shots to help his heart but it kept failing. I  watched them writing notes down on a white board then having to rub them out and start again.  Our Angel was going through to much I knew in my heart that his wings were waiting for him I just didn’t want them on him yet .

riley 3

The doctor advised that Riley was really poorly and may not make it. We asked for them to give him one more chance and they did as we asked. We kept looking at each other with our little prince in our arms . We knew it was right to ask them to stop and leave him alone. He had been through enough so they took some of the machines off and then asked if we would like to have Riley blessed.  

We decided to and Father Martin came and blessed our family.  We had some pictures taken and snuggled and kissed our little boy.  He grew his wings in our arms.  My heart and head were everywhere.  We spent time with our Angel then we had to go back to our room.

From that moment our hearts just broke.

When we got back to our room we met a lovely bereavement midwife called Julie.  She was so lovely and amazing and really looked after me and Dean. Then we meet Riley pediatrician who we knew in our heart had done everything he could to help.

The first night I was so numb. We had to tell our family which I really didn’t want to. But I know we had to.  We made our calls and cried our hearts out.

That afternoon Julie came in with a lady, Miss Roa, and advised that she was a specialist who was called in for my c section.  She was so caring and lovely. She sat down and asked how me and Dean were. They got on explaining about my c section that because of my double womb they had major problems at getting Riley out. His head had been stuck in my birth canal and they struggled to get him out. They had to make it bigger and more cuts to try and free him.  She told me it took them a hour and 5 minutes to get him out and I was really close to a hysterectomy.  She had managed to control the bleeding and fix my womb. I had to have a tube in my stomach after my section to drain all the blood.  I thank her for saving my womb and the work she did she is an amazing surgeon and so caring.

The next few days were really tough being in hospital the only good thing was we got to see our little prince when ever we wanted. That got us through the day.

My man was amazing he was my rock.  He helped me so much with everything from sitting up in bed to going the toilet and having a shower as I was in so much pain .I really couldn’t have got through all of it without him.  He’s the best.

We had visits from family and friends but we couldn’t wait to get home to our home comfort. It came to the day we were ready to go home I didn’t want to walk out that hospital without my little man in my arms but I know I had no choice but to go home without him.

It broke our hearts even more, going home was so painful.  Walking in through the door I just wanted to run away and scream but I had to be strong.

That night we just lay there looking into space. It was so quiet. Finally at home in our own bed, cuddling up just helped .I could cry when I needed to without getting interrupted by nurses.

riley4

 

The next few days went by like a blur. I just had to focus on getting our little prince to his resting place.  We struggled to pay for everything , but with a lot of help from our family’s we got it all sorted quickly.  We thank our family so much for helping us and taking the stress off us.

We decided to only have a small close family service for Riley. We asked farher Martin, who blessed Riley ,to do his service .It was so special to us.

We had my mum and dad and Dean’s mum and dad there. I remember waiting for the cars to come in the morning.  They picked us up and we got all our flowers ready and then we got in the car.  As we sat down the driver asked if we would like to carry Riley to the cemetery.  We had his tiny little resting bed on our knee as we drove to Green Way road cemetery.

The tears just kept flowing and all that was going through my head was why us? why did this have to happen?

I should be at home giggling and playing or relaxing whilst my little prince takes a sleep, but no were going to lay our little boy to rest. My world was ending and I felt like I was going out of my mind. We had Riley’s service and it was so nice.  Just as we were laying him to rest the sun shined down on us to let us know everything was going to be ok and Riley will be looked after.

We got home after his service, had a coffee and just sat down with our familes. We talked and cried but  it was such a special day . Our families went home and we just got into our comfies and relaxed for the night.

I knew it was going to be a tough and emotional roller coaster from now on in. It’s just dealing with it day by day and to this day we are still dealing with it.

I now have my rainbow princess Millie Amelia Dowling who I thank Miss Roa and her team for helping me through my pregnancy  and taking such good care of me this time.

But they should have done that with Riley.

My rainbow Millie wasn’t a easy pregnancy either. I was as the hospital every week with her and they wanted me to go in hospital early.  They were letting me go home and watching me closely.

I remember I was 29 weeks pregnant I went for a scan when they noticed that the blood flow from my placenta to Millie wasn’t flowing correctly. They got Miss Roa down to come and check the blood flow. She advised me it isn’t flowing good.  so I couldn’t go home.  She said normally we would let people go home and come back tomorrow but I couldn’t so I had to stay in so they could monitor my blood flow.  Some days it was running good other days it’s was either to fast or to slow. Miss Roa decided that Millie will be making a entrance into the world on the 3rd May 2012.  It was so scary knowing I was only going to be 32 weeks pregnant and Millie is coming 8 weeks early. They kept a eye on me as we prepared for the 3rd to come.

milleriley

This day was so different there was no rushing no quickness or being scared. It was just relaxed. All I had  still had going around my head was let my princess be ok, please don’t let it happen again.

They kept everything as positive as they could.                                                        

So I’m lying there after having the epidural in my back waiting for it to work trying to think positive but really wanting to scream out make sure my princess is safe.  

Holding Dean’s hand, I’m looking and I know he is thinking the exact same thing .

After what felt like hours, but was only 5 minutes, Miss Roa and Dr Odharma  came,making sure our princess arrives safely. Dr Odharma pops his head over the curtain up in front and asks if we’re ok and we say yes. He then says are you ready for a surprise? The nextext minute this tiny bundle of cuteness comes over the curtain and our Millie is there.

We got to say hello then they had to take her to scbu because she was so small and early.  She weighed 3lbs 1oz. I felt my heart begin to beat normal again once I’d seen she was ok.  She just needed to be checked over so Dean went with Millie whilst they finished stitching my stomach. Then they took me to the ward, which was so hard as they put me in a room with 3 other women who had their little bundles of joy next to them.All happy and content, whilst my little princess was in scbu.

I felt so out of place I had to have bed rest the first day so they took a picture of Millie for me a bought it to me.  I slept most of the day away trying to zone out the room but was so hard I just wanted to get up and go to Millie but they wouldn’t let me and I couldn’t move much so all I got was a picture and phone updates the first day .

The next morning I woke up all eager to get up and go and see my princess.  I called the midwife over to get me ready to go and see my daughter.  They checked me wound then got me in a wheelchair to go over. As they were wheeling me down there all I kept thinking was I hope my princess is ok .

I got there and they took   me over to Millie.  She was in her incubator, wrapped in a little nest of blankets.  So tiny and small, but doing really well. She had to be tube fed as she was to early to suckle so she had a  feeding tube in her mouth.  She had a little splint on her hand, where she had a drip in for fluids and her monitor.  Other that that she was doing amazing.

We had some little set backs but not many. It was just strength to strength. I use spend all my day there with Millie feeding her and watching her grow. Millie spent a month in hospital growing and gaining strength.  The day we got to take Millie home was the happiest day of my life and watching her grow into a beautiful little princess.

I will never forgot our angel Riley and Millie will always Know all about him. Mummy and daddy love you so much xxxxx

I now volunteer as  an Admin, doing graphics and helpimg send tweets to help break the silence.

Claire xxxx

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About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or www.daddyswithangels.org/. Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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