Kelly Attree & Samuel Journey

In 2011 Me and my husband found out we were expecting twins. I was in shock to about two weeks as we already had 3 beautiful kids and weren’t planning on having anymore after our daughter who at that time she was 7 years old .
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After a few weeks of letting it sink in I was overjoyed at the prospect of being pregnant again. The pregnancy was extremely difficult, I constantly felt sick for the first 4 months and then they discovered I had gestational diabetes.
My life became a blur of hospital appointments and blood tests and insulin injections but I wouldn’t of changed a thing I was so excited at what the future held, we started buying clothes and baby items ,sorted out room in our bedroom for the beautiful cot bed my in-laws have bought us.
As my waist expanded it got harder to walk I was exhausted all the time and covered in bruises from the injection. After the exhaustion of travelling to Doncaster on the hospital shuttle at least 3 times a week I was so tired all the time, and sleeping that was a joke I managed a couple of hours a night if I was really lucky,I even moved downstairs and started sleeping on the sofa which helped a little as I didn’t have to lie flat .
By now I was only a few months away from giving birth and then the problems started . At first its seemed like my daughter wasnt moving around as much so I was constantly on the phone to the maternity suite .I became a regular visitor there , day visits at first then I was admitted for the first time. I was in for a few days and they poked me and gave me injections for the whole visit thats if wasn’t having the traces on my twins.
Even though they kept having problems tracing their heartbeats sometimes they still decided I was okay to be discharged.
By this time I was entering my last trimester and I had a 52inch waist.I could hardly walk and was so desperate for my pregnancy to be over and so impatient to hold our babies in my arms.
At my 35 week check up I ask my consultant to induce me as I had already had the steroid injections and the twins were weighing large our son was weighing in a 6lb 12oz and our daughter was weighing at 7lb 2oz so they weren’t small babies, but despite my pleas he said no and booked my induction in for 37+3 days .
On the day of my induction I was so panicked trying to find the right coming home outfits for our twins but at the same time I was bursting with excitement, shaking and giggling like a little girl. My mind was full of what they would look like,would they look like their dad or more like me , would they have blue eyes or hazel green like Tom .
We saw our other children off to school ,and readied ourselves for the short walk to the hospital .Once we arrived at our local hospital we boarded the shuttle bus that would take us to the main hospital that was in charge of my care .
We got to the hospital at 8.15am and found our way to the maternity area we we were booked in and taken to a room to be prepared for my induction. Its routine to have a scan when you at booked in to confirm which way the babies heads were positioned, Our son was previously heads down and engaged at my last appointment and or daughter was breech but I was assured once I had given birth to our son she would turn and be head down ready for her birth.
Once I was unpacked I was asked to sit on the seat and have my scan, they found our daughter’s heartbeat easily and it was strong and healthy. The midwife said right let’s check your sons and once we have done that we will begin your Induction Mrs Attree.
She than began checking for our sons heartbeat trace after a minute or so I began to feel something was wrong,as the seconds ticked on I felt a cold shivery fear start to creep over me, Tom said what’s wrong babe ? replied they can’t find Samuels heartbeat !!
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The midwife said I’m just going to get my sister to do this your boy is being difficult and hiding from me . At this point I don’t think Tom had realised that something may be wrong but I did my heartbeat was racing, I felt like I was gonna pas out.
The midwife returned with a female consultant who resumed looking for his heartbeat then after a moment she turned to me and said I’m so sorry Mrs Attree we can’t located your sons heartbeat. I felt like my whole world was collapsing round my ears and let out an Almighty scream “Noooooooo”
My husband went dead silent as he was dialling his mums number and the first thing he said is “mum he’s gone ,they can’t find Samuels heartbeat, he slumped into a chair and launched his phone at the wall where is smashed into pieces.
I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying he can’t be dead he was fine at my last scan you must have got it wrong please god no don’t let our boy be gone .
The consultant said we need to focus on your daughter we need to start your induction ‘ I couldn’t believe what they were saying !!! They still wanted me to be induced and waiting in agony for hours until our dead son could be born  so I could then give birth to our daughter, I said ” there  is no way I am being induced can’t you give me a c section I just need this to be over.
After  a few moments the Consultant agreed to me having a emergency c section.  It was important for me to have my husband there who had gone outside to have a fag and clear his head enough to come into theatre with me .
When he returned he was taken away to get his scrubs on and I was taken down to have my preop.  It didn’t feel real it felt like I was looking down onto someone else’s life,I wasn’t participating I was a observer .
I Remember being wheeled into the operating room and then nothing until I woke u in my hospital room,then like a tsunami everything came crashing down the reality that our son hadn’t survived.  He had died before he got a chance to take a breath, this still haunts me on a daily basis but the worse thing is I never got to see his beautiful eyes . Never got to feel him warm and Wrigley in my arms, or hear him cry .
I’m ashamed to admit I couldn’t pick our daughter up straight away I was consumed with grief but as I was on so many painkillers a lot of It is very hazy , so I was even robbed of that.
When I finally held Samuel he felt so heavy in my arms and his face was swollen and bruised. He didn’t look like a baby he looked like a wax model, he had a strange texture to his face. He had a wound on his head which they tried to cover with a hat, but I could still see it.
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He wasn’t allowed to stay in with us for long as we could smell he was starting to decompose.
The rest of the next few days passed in a blur of pain and grief. I looked at our perfect baby girl asleep beside me and I screamed inside at the injustice of our situation , she had been robbed of the twin bond that everyone talks about.
When I held her it felt unfinished I should be holding two beautiful babies. My arms they felt wonky,not normal.
I must admit I only picked Bliss up to feed her or change her for the first 48 hours I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb. I had put my body on automatic pilot it did what it needed and no more.
Things got easier.  When I was allowed home I didn’t have to pretend , my husband was amazing he was and still is my rock. I couldn’t of coped without him .
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I couldn’t cope with everyone else’s grief all I could think about was how empty my arms felt. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first 12 months. I couldn’t stand the looks of pity I got from everyone so I stayed in my house and ostracised myself from everyone ,apart from my husband and kids.
I was so angry that the world hadn’t stopped it just kept turning like our sons life wasn’t important.
I didn’t want anyone but family at Samuel’s funeral.  I didn’t even tell people when it would be . His actual funeral was the second most terrible heartbreaking day of our lives. I will never forget that tiny white coffin resting on our laps in the funeral car. I never wanted to let go. It was a short service and I broke down as our boys coffin was lowered into his forever bed.
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the vicar was waffling on about god and ho he was in his arms now I wanted to scream ” he shouldn’t be in gods arms he should be in mine !!
My heart literally broke when my husband insisted in filling in the earth. He said “it was the only chance he was ever going to get to tuck him in”.
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I remember my eldest daughter’s sobs. She was only 7, she shouldn’t have to be subjected to this seeing her Mum and Dad broken. I asked my in laws to take her to the car which they did.
So this is our story . I’m sorry it turned out to be such a long one.  I only meant to cover the basics,but once I started I couldn’t stop.
So in 2012 we held a ribbon tie to remember Samuel on his 2nd angelversary.  We also sold badges and wristbands and raised an amazing total of £191.30 for S.A.N.D.S.
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 I still wear my wristband everyday.
This year I’m holding a charity coffee morning so I can collect signatures for a petition  to the House of Commons and the Health Minister to arrange for a National Day of remembrance for all baby and infant loss on 15th October every year.
I have also decided to use this occasion to raise money for S.A.N.D.S and ComforTed, a not for profit charity that make knitted teddies in pairs and send them out to all Angel parents . All they ask is you cover postage of £1.95 ,which is amazing and so kind . The idea is the parents keep on Teddie as a keepsake and the other Teddie is ether placed in their Angel’s casket or memory box. I really want to help other charities with a 50/50 split.
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About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or www.daddyswithangels.org/. Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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