Noah. A young mother sharing her moving story about still birth. #breakthesilence

I’m Allie, I just turned 20, I had our son Noah 2 months before my birthday.
I’ll start at when I was 38+4

I went to sleep Noah was wriggling like mad and I laid down to sleep cuddling his daddy while he cried because his uncle had died that day. Hoping tomorrow would be a better day and maybe baby would be here. I woke up and laid in bed for a few minutes, touched my belly and noah felt hard like he was sitting in my ribs, I pushed him but he didn’t move….
I thought ok will have a drink and see how it goes.. again nothing.
I started crying because the minute I drank our favourite drink Guava rubicon he was still, and hard. I rang the triage who said “can you call back at midday (btw it’s now 5ish I woke to pee a lot) and he should be fine baby slow before labour he’s probably sleeping”

I felt defeated because I knew something was wrong and they weren’t going to help me. We went home and I just clung to charlie crying saying he’s not ok charlie said let’s go for a walk, get some food he may just be sleeping as you said he was wriggling all night, by this point I even resulted to drinking a redbull which I didn’t touch once throughout even though I lived off them before and still he didn’t move, at midday I rang again and they reluctantly brought me in, I had to stand and wait in the waiting room full of mums hearing their babies hbs for half hour before they saw me and told me the news.

When they’re is something wrong it’s a different feeling, it’s like your about to have a panic attack and drop dead. You feel like you need to call for help and no one can hear you. Your body freezes and you feel sick and dizzy. I was honestly scared. Like I’d just gone into a horror film scared. And that was before they even told me. That was while I was crying into charlies arm waiting for 12 o’clock!

It was different to the time I went in with reduced movements at 34 weeks. I still felt relitevly cheerful that day, I just thought he was being lazy trying to scare me or something. I didn’t think he was dead, I thought maybe he needed a little push.
But the day he died I couldn’t think anything but he’s dead. He was dead before I woke up, there was nothing I could do. I felt his last movements the day charlies uncle took his last breath, they joined each other in heaven that day.

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I wasn’t told that Noah had died, no one actually said that to us, and our care at the hospital was just shit. It was the midwife only hospital I wouldn’t be giving birth here.
2 midwifes used 3 different dopplers, all of them “didn’t work” or “to much static”
A diabetes consultant then came in and checked on this small scan machine “sorry this machine is rubbish NHS need improvement well have to wait for sonographer”
All of them telling me I was fine.
By this point I was numb I knew, Charlie was hopeful, mum knew. There was no heartbeat and I had accepted that in my 7 hours wait for the hospital to see me.
We were escorted to the sonographer and made to wait in the normal waiting room happy couples leaving with scans, we enter the room with a horrible man who tells me to just sit down he has others to see. And then the screen. I can see Noahs heart. It was how it always looked on the scan photos I took home. Exactly like them because it wasn’t moving. I saw that even quicker than he did. He said “I’m sorry I didn’t know, do you mind if I take measurements”
I just nodded looked at charlie and a few measly tears dribbled down my face. We were then made to wait again in the main waiting room for the midwife to collect our folder and escorts us back.

They then put us in ward listening to all these babies thumping away. While we wait for the same shitty diabetes consultant to come talk to us.

“Take this tablet, it will prepare your body for labour in 2 days you need to go to the conquest at 9 am they will be expecting you”

And then we were escorted off of the maternity ward, I then saw my midwife walking in and she said “where we’re you I was hoping to see you earlier”
I just said “ask them” and walked off. I got a text a few moments later with how sorry she was.
When we were told to leave we weren’t given anything, no advice, no phone number to call, no leaflets, not even a scrunched up print out.
We were just told to leave and made for 2 days to deal with it. That was the hardest 2 days of my life. I had to walk through town, get a bus, sit in a harvester with my family who all god the first train to see me and try force food down without balling.
I stayed at charlies mums so they could give us at lift to hospital and all day and nd night she just bitched that I shouldn’t be there I should go home and he should stay to be with his family. The morning off I finally showered, gross yes but I didn’t want to look at myself so wore the baggies clothes and didn’t take off. And Charlie washed me, rubbed my belly which made me feel so sick and then dressed me in some clean pjamas. >

We arrive at the hospital @ 39weeks, I’m brought through the wrong ward because the consultant told me to go there so I had to watch all these pregnant mums have babies and hear them cry while walking down a never ending corridor. Where I was greeted by my midwife who walked me down to our room, It was a beautiful room with onsuite obviously the bereavement suite as these rooms where sound proofed in a separate section to everyone else.

And from then onward I was induced and this video is the outcome from that this link https://youtube/BDKHisEDEfM
My labour. So freaking beautiful, the best thing ive ever done in my life all the pain I felt two days before had gone, it was no longer there, charlie was by my side saying we get to meet our baby I can’t wait, we had a cute as heck outfit picked out and u was going to love every minute of it. I didn’t cry at all seeing him instead I smiles, I laughed and I pretended he was my sleeping angel I dont regret making my birth happy because I can look back and love every second of it which a lot of people can’t say. I LOVED It. I would do it 100x to get that time back!

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His funeral was delayed a month but without postmortem so we were able to see him as much as we wanted for a month which I truly believe helped me cope. I feel like at least I had a month to love him and stroke him as we never held him after the Saturday after he was born (was born thursday).I felt like I was disturbing his sleep.
His funeral was beautiful 50 motor bikes lead his procession and we had a cute little church that we decorated in ribbon,flowers and balloons it was a full house for our baby boy. 12241571_1523667867948865_3631791238548979157_n

He rode in a rolls Royce limo with me and daddy from our house to the church and from the church to the cemetery the whole way having these bikes lead the way blocking roads and stopping traffic so all our cars never split up. Except one knob head taxi driver pulls out right in front of our car to avoid being stuck behind a funeral which pissed the bikers off so they boxed him off the road and made him pull over (felt like a happy mumma then).

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Once we arrive at the cemetery our speaker says final words, Noahs daddy lays his coffin into the ground and then we release 3 doves mummy daddy and noah all pieces of our hearts flying free in the sky together.

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And on occasion when we go to the cemetery 3 doves are sitting together.

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For ore of Allie and Charlie’s video visit their Vimeo site: https://vimeo.com/user42800665

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About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or www.daddyswithangels.org/. Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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