Siobhaun’s Journey

My angel Monroe Amor Ferneyhough-Stanley was born the most perfect, was born in her sack. I had Monroe alone as Mark was with his previous partner and in didn’t come to meet her until she was 5 days old, which killed me; but I was so happy with my two girls.

Monroe was born in my living room on the sofa, where my mum burst her out the sack and watched her take her first breath.  She was 5 days early weighing 5.8oz.  Life was great with my two girls.  Mark would come and see her once he had met her.

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On the 19th march me my sunshine Honor-Marie watched frozen together and  put Honor to bed.  Mark then came to see monny and I made him peanut butter and jam.

The morning of 20.03.14 I woke up to Monroe sleeping in my arms. I was mortified scared hoping it wasn’t true.  Honor shouting me. I placed her on the bedroom floor and gave her mouth to mouth even though I knew she was gone. I blamed myself for falling asleep with her while breastfeeding but I know it wasn’t my fault, but it still haunts me in my nightmare most nights.

Monroe was laid to rest on 11.04.14.  As a family together we  gave our Angel her christening and wedding we could never give her. I had no black on the day and wear something pink, white horse and cart and doves released at her bedside.

We had her name engraved on her bracelet and split pendant necklaces for Honor and Monroe. Honor stood in church at 5 years old with her school teacher and read her own poem out.  I was so proud of her.  My sunshine understood the doves as a symbol of how MONROE Got TO HEAVEN AND I FEEL OUR SUNSHINES DON’T GET ENOUGH SUPPORT WHEN WE ARE GRIEF STRUCK.

9 days later Mark left me and went back to his previous partner again, and I fell apart.

His two previous sunshine’s mothers made my grief even worst with nasty facebook statuses. They even  copied pictures with their children then we had of Monroe when she passed, and then learned Mark had another baby on the way.

I thought this pain would never end.  Not only had my baby gone and been left alone, he was having another one.  I couldn’t understand why he got another chance to be a parent when he had been so neglectful.  I was jealous, gutted and angry.

5 moths later I returned home after Monroe’s death and to my horror the girl having Mark’s child moved opposite me.   I wanted to scream from the rooftops “someone help me”.  There was no support, only voluntary counselling where I felt they were not prepared for me and were not allowed to advice me this wasn’t what I needed.

I began to worry about Monroe’s headstone as it was expensive, but its what me and mark wanted.  Marks brother raised  £900 and was so overwhelmed.  I had been alone at her birth and her death and first stages of grief.

Nobody knew how I felt and Mark was pretending it never happened  and carried on with his own life. There was no one to help me and no one for my sunshine.there was no one who knew what we been through .

I then wanted to turn this grief into carrying on her memory.  I was going get that headstone, with every word me and mark had planned. Eve brown then arranged a 6 town walk to raise money for me and had donation boxes in all our local shops. I was gob smacked. Another friend did a sponsored head shave and raised money for me.

As a sign of appreciation me and my younger sister shaved ours too. Another friend then did a fun day at a pub, she had her husband’s football team  dye their hair pink and blue, and have there chests waxed. It was amazing, and was packed.  Another £900 was  raised.

I was so pleased. Now we had the money for the headstone. The words,  Marks poem, her picture and her hand print.  We got a  bench with a plaque engraved from her sunshine sister aunt and nanny. I couldn’t believe the support from family and friends. I couldn’t have done it without community support .

October 15th they shared there support and memory by lighting a candle for Monroe and all others in heaven. Me and my family went in the evening to see her and light up her bed with candles, it looked so peaceful; it was beautiful.  That it why I want a day for all our Angels.

From there followed Christmas were I remained positive for my sunshine. But, as the anxiety started building for her birthday and anniversary, it  was too much. I broke.

I tried going back to work but when my doctor told me go back or would stay depressed. Although she was the doctor who came to the hospital and seen first hand what I been through I couldn’t believe it.   She was there and within 7 month she wants me working. This same doctor told me the day before she died her 6 week check that my baby was fine!!! I hate her.  No wonder I found the pressure of working and these dates coming I went back and she just gave me more pills. Pills that knocked me out so much I couldn’t wake up. I missed work few times, Honor was late for school and I lost my job.

Then all my benefits  office started to say they were never informed over Monroe’s death, and they now have over paid me. So guess what?  the beautiful government took it all back out of my sunshine’s money; so i am currently living on a lot less because my baby died.

My house then suffered as one months rent was missed, so the threatened eviction.  WOW!life is really never going to get better. I even rang social services and asked for help. They had 5 months to help me and I got nothing from them. I was still was not made aware, by them, of any bereavement services or groups to help.  Why don’t even they know where to send us for the aftercare?

I played along and got rid of them. shortly before Christmas.  I think our grief and love brought me and Mark back together. The first day we spent together, as you would on their birthday. We, friends and the children went down with a birthday card and gifts to celebrate.

It had snowed so her bed was pure white. We said a prayer and lit a lantern and watched it floated away into the sky.

7 weeks later her anniversary came. It was a very hard day, but we invited family and friends for a gathering.  We cooked and talked to try and pass the day.

A year on and we  returned to life and repaired ourselves, as people and a couple.

We then had news that the medical slides were requested for testing in Norway for long QC syndrome as they found 1-4 babies in Norway could possible go to sleep due to this gene. I was hopeful we may get answers but we still wait today.

Monroe had some lesions on her lungs, but they can’t say if that killed her. It started to repair 3 days prior to her death so it was classed as none assisted. her death was classed sudden death or was it long QC syndrome in her genes.  I really don’t know. I just know she was too beautiful for earth.

This is when I became a serious fighter for all our babies and started creating awareness with Angel parents. We did another 6 town walk and this time Mark was by my side

We then  had a fun day which was amazing, finally bringing some of us together.

I will never stop breaking the silence now until I am in my box to rest.  Until we educate the youth, have more aftercare support for the children and families. We posters in hospitals. and doctor’s surgeries. We need awareness of The  Butterfly awards to be We need schools preparing young ladies, not just for pregnancy and birth, but also about loss.

We share because we care and want things change for the better,

Thank you angel parents for helping me break my silence and tell my story of my angel.

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About Daddys with Angels.

We began as a group for grieving fathers and men in families, but other family members asked to join us. We now also have a group for Families with Angels dads and other male family members and siblings under 18. We have experienced and live with the harsh pain of loss and we hope we can bring other comfort with what we do, To find us please search for us on face book or www.daddyswithangels.org/. Hugs to you all and floaty kisses to all your angels. We retain the name Daddys With Angels.
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